Apartment For Rent


A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.

So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

‘Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 – it had never been occupied;
#2 – there was plenty of heat; and
#3 – it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 – it had been previously occupied,
#2 – there wasn’t any heat, and
#3 – it was entirely too large.’
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Apartments, Rue La Fontaine

‘Dear Sir:
#1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady…

Softball in Heaven


ROSE AND BARB

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, ‘Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our

lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor.

When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.’

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, ‘Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years.

If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a

blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Barb, Barb.’

‘Who is it?’ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’

‘Barb — it’s me, Rose.’

‘You’re not Rose. Rose just died.’

‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,’ insisted the voice.

‘Rose! Where are you?’

‘In Heaven,’ replied Rose.

‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’

‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Barb.

‘The good news,’ Rose said, ‘is that there’s softball in Heaven.

Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.

Better than that, we’re all young again.

Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ said Barb.

‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams!

So what’s the bad news?’

‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’

The Drunk and The Officer


” Sir, I need for you to blow in this tube.”

‘’I can’t do that, officer.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.’’

‘’Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.’’

’’Can’t do that either, officer.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.’’

‘’Alright, we could get a blood sample.’’

’’Can’t do that either, officer.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.’’

‘’Fine then, just walk this white line.’’

’’Can’t do that either, officer.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Because I’m drunk.’

IRS Summons Grandpa


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying
that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that
believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How
about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach
the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all
over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really, says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa
told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five
thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your
desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Blessed are the Cracked


I’ve had this in my ‘puter for awhile….and finally decided to ad it…

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

 

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinn​ing medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory

26. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few

Funny Story


Alternative Weight Loss Program
An obese man had tried every diet, to no avail, so when he saw an ad that read, “Guaranteed Weight Loss or Your Money Back!” he figured at least this time it wouldn’t cost him anything.

When he called they said they’d send someone right over. Sure enough, within minutes, there was a knock at the door. He opened it and in walked a beautiful young girl wearing nothing but an overcoat.

She dropped her coat to the floor, smiled, and presented him a card that read, “If you catch me, we’ll have sex.”

The guy chased her for a long time, without success. He did this everyday for weeks until he finally caught her. She was true to her word and he now finally looked forward to exercising.

Nevertheless, the next day a faster girl showed up wearing nothing but an overcoat. She dropped her coat to the floor, smiled, and presented him a card that read, “If you catch me, we’ll have sex.” He chased her for a couple of weeks until he finally caught her and had sex.

And so his regimen continued, rather expensive, but well worth it, and boy, was he getting in shape! Soon he was catching every girl they sent. Eventually the weight loss center called him…

“Look, you’re in great shape now and we’re running out of girls! It’s time to stop.” He pleaded for just one more day of “exercise.”

An hour later his doorbell rang and in stomped a huge man wearing nothing but an overcoat. He dropped his coat on the floor, smiled, and presented him a card that read, “If I catch you, we’ll have sex!”

This is The First Day of My New Life!


From now on I will be updating this blog on a regular basis, adding new jokes and fun videos, stories and all manner of amazing items. I will be adding photos and other interesting or funny items, so check back often, like my blog, follow me and I will lead you to giggles.

Get that Fly

I think I can, I think I can!

Here I am Catching Up Again


I am hoping to capture some of the people that had signed onto my Laughs a Lot blog. It went poof when I had to do a domain transfer. That’s what I get for using the blog stuff from my site host. Now I know better. Well I hope some of you can find me now.  I’m still learning my way around wordpress but it’s getting there.

I just discovered that my site has an issue to deal with too. The picture for Net Wit 1 went …….where ever stuff goes when its not where its supposed to be. So now I gotta go find it. Geezzz! At least my ‘puter seems to be over it’s issues for now. Kept locking up on me.

’nuff of that!  Wanna  funny picture?

OMG Too Many

and that’s not just explorer. You gotta watch all of em. Seems like everything has a ‘bar’ you can add, and not get a beer at any of them.

Ok, thats gonna have to do it for now….laters!

‘Net Wit 1 and 2 For Fun and Laughs


Just trying to keep the jokes and funny stuff going. Wow! What a job. ‘Net Wit books were just the beginning of the work. Little did I know that getting all you people interested in what I’m doing would be a full time project. I’m hoping it will ultimately be worth it. Just for the sake of possible sales, go visit shitzngigglezmy

site and get your copy today. How’s that for a shameless plug? Hey, I self published these and need the help. They are at Amazon and other places but my site is the least expensive, and you can download the PDF even cheaper.

Anyway I am hoping to get some more interest, not only in my books, but also in my artwork and other stuff. I’m so out there that my name is on the first page of Google, or at least it was. If you can’t find me you ain’t looking.

so, would you like another sample of something cute? Funny? I’m going to see if I can put a photo in here…

EEwwwww!!

Yep, that worked! Actually it was pretty easy. Want another?

Beware!

Yeah ok, I’ve got bunches of them. I won’t put them all here right now…but you can visit the site and see some more and while you’re there got you a copy of ‘Net Wit. You Won’t be Sorry!!

Art and Painting and Books


My art, paintings and books need me. It suddenly dawned on me that I have been wasting time on trying to pursue the almighty dollar by plugging other peoples products. How dumb is that when I have products of my own? So, here I am speaking up on my behalf. I am an artist. I am an author, with 8, yes 8, books out there that need to be marketed and sold, hard copy or pdf. So can someone explain to me why I've been working on "other peoples stuff"?

I have my art, paintings and drawing listed on over a dozen different places online, two of which will print, frame and ship in different sizes to anyone, in various formats. Likewise I have my books listed in several places, not the least of which is Amazon. I also have 8 websites running, so what the 'he double toothpicks' am I doing promoting for others?

Ok, this is my wake up call. My main site, http://www.brandycraft.com has all of my products, with the exception of 3 books, listed and ready for purchase. It also has links to my other sites, which I have learned is actually backwards, the links are supposed to go TO brandycraft not away from it; but I figure they are mine so….I may fix it later. In the meantime, visit http://www.brandycraft.com and tell me what you think. Is it too much? Do I need to split up products? Do I need to add everything I do? Whatever. Just give me a visit and some input, maybe sign my guestbook so I know I'm not alone. Until next time….

The whole point is that I will be doing alot of concentrating on my own stuff.